May 2016 bring away with it all the bad stuffIt is the last day of the year 2016. I'm now on a flight back to Singapore from Sydney. It's the second time I'm taking this flight in a span of 2 years, which is quite frequent considering that I've never stepped into Australia for the whole of my life before last year.
The travel itself wasn't quite as good as I would like it to be, as we were caught in several cold and heat waves and intermittent bouts of cold/flu due to the fluctuating extreme weather conditions. Nevertheless, the long >2 weeks break from work was a long awaited and much needed one. I was supposed to make up my mind by the end of this trip about my next career move, as I've been mulling on it and procrastinating for far too long.
Work
It had been more than a year of suffering and confusion at work. One can say it is self-inflicted as I had been too stubborn and rigid and stuck-up to work and collaborate with my superior and co-workers. I prefer to think that the system and leadership is so poor and the toxicity of the environment had developed so deeply that it is suffocating, and I am not willing to change and adapt to it for fear of deterioration.
It had also been challenging as I am (sort of) managing a small team. Many times I questioned my competence and quality in being the lead, and how do I want to do it. I have not sorted this out, and I wonder when I would ever build up the confidence for it.
Work was tormenting and getting out of bed every morning was so so difficult. At times, I was so stressed and helpless and overwhelmed that I just let it all out at home hoping to get the support I need. It affected my personal life and family negatively. This is definitely not sustainable. I can't let this continue. This, i know.
What I don't know is what to do next.
Request for a posting? What if I am unlucky and the next posting turns out to be shitty as well? Will I go mad?
Take no pay leave? How long a break do I need? What do I want to achieve during the break - just to nua or take up piano lessons or study for PE exam or train my fitness or try out some other possible career paths or what? What reason should I give for the application - would I be seen as a loser who can't manage work stress? Would i lose out in my career progression because of this?
Leave service? Honestly I do feel quite disappointed and down with the whole system and management, and I can't see a happy future. But I can't be sure that this is not the dejected negative me that is being biased and domineering my mind and heart right now. Economy is bad, and I am not confident in getting another job that don't suck as well. After all, as a colleague had advised, we are paid for our job so work is definitely not pleasant.
I'm thankful I managed to share some of my frustrations to some colleagues earlier last month, as I was on the brim of breaking down and it didn't matter anymore what they would think of me. I guess it achieved the effect of placing me in the radar for postings. Just a few days ago, I got news that I'm being considered for a new position. You won't believe the relief I felt, that the wheels were set in motion behind my back to get me out of my current sad state, without me having to do anything (officially). Am I lucky or what? I can only thank god for helping me out.
Though not confirmed yet, it gave me hope and I feel better now taking this flight back to face 2017.
Life
2016 didn't go so well. I will push the blame on work for everything else that didn't work out this year.
I just turned 32 not too long ago. (Thank goodness, for a while I thought I was turning 33!) While I've never really planned out what I want to achieve in my life, I thought I would have progressed a bit more by my 30s. I thought I would have a family with one or even two kids; I thought I would be a more confident and sorted out person; I thought I would be breezing through work as a confident career woman and have a more worldly-view of things; I thought I would have more discipline and is more mature in my thinking. But here I am, feeling even more insecure and inadequate than a teenager, tearing up at every little thing, wasting my life aimlessly and my social circle shrank to the smallest ever possible. I'm struggling to get my life sorted out.. would anyone care to give some advice?
Hopefully 2017 would be a life defining year that would change my life for the better. May the new year be better and happier!
P.S: If u still come around here every now and then, drop me a message. It's getting lonely as the years go by..